Self Deprecation is so Last Year (The Problem with False Humility)

So you are here, reading this, probably for one of two reasons: 1. Because you know me personally and are trying to support my dreams (thank you by the way), or 2. because you are having some relationship issues with that person you see in the mirror everyday.

Regardless of your reasons, I am glad you are here. Today I am going to address a chronic issue that I have observed across my generation and with women in general. The issue being constant self deprecation.

Have you ever given someone a compliment, stranger or friend, and their immediate reaction is to completely deny it? To smack it to the ground like an object thrown at their face? For example, it might have gone something like this:

You: "Wow, I love your hair! That style looks so good on you."

Person you are talking to: "What? This old mop? No way, I haven't even washed it in days. YOUR hair is the one that looks great."

You could insert any topic into that conversation and it would go the same almost every time.

More recently, these types of exchanges have started to drive me absolutely bonkers. Why do people react like this to compliments? The short answer? Because that is what we were taught to do... By the adults in our lives, our peers, media, you name it. Self deprecation is trendy and unfortunately we have internalized it as normal.

The under lying issue here is our insecurities leading us to self deprecate. You don't just see this in someone's inability to accept compliments, you also see this in how people talk about themselves. Saying things such as: "I'm such a clutz lol," "Oh you know me, always messing things up," "IDK who hired me, but they should probably be fired because I'm an idiot haha." These are internalized messages disguised as "jokes" but when closely examined it is obvious that they are not jokes at all. That being said, I am going to focus on the compliments issue today because both of these situations basically stem from the same core issue and can be solved with similar methods. It is a healthy practice to learn how to laugh at yourself and I will likely expand on that in a "Self deprecation part 2"

Up until about two years ago, I could not handle receiving a compliment. My face would turn red, I would look at the ground, I would stumble all over my words, not knowing how to respond, and it would make me incredibly uncomfortable. In an effort to ease the awkwardness I would deny the compliment and throw it back: "No, YOUR the pretty one," "No YOUR the talented one," etc. etc.

At one point, and I don't remember the catalyst, I sat back and asked myself: "Why do I do that?" And through that self reflection I learned two very important things about myself.

1. I did not accept myself

How could I be in a position to accept a compliment if I didn't believe it to be true? Or rather, if I could not accept that someone else could believe those things about me? I became aware of the fact that my childhood had, from its beginning, set me, and myself esteem, up for failure in this respect.

While this was never intentional on my parents' part, I happened to grow up in a culture that emphasized the importance of service to others and self sacrifice. These things are not inherently bad, and can certainly be taught in a healthy manner, but for me it acted as a weapon against my self esteem. I internalized these messages as: "Everyone else's feelings are more important than mine," "If I am not helping others in everything I do, I am a selfish person," "Tiredness = laziness," and the list goes on.

I existed solely for the service and comfort of the people around me and to take for myself was wrong. I did not have value in my own eyes, therefore I considered accepting a compliment to be a form of dishonesty because I could not believe that someone could see me in a positive light.

2. To believe good things about myself was prideful and vain

Have you ever watched a movie where one of the characters has a moment of confidence where they walk with their head held high and then, inevitably, one person remarks "Ug, who do they think they are?" I saw this exchange enough times on the screen and in real life that I became terrified that other people would view me that way. After all, no one likes being around a snob.

If I showed even a sliver of confidence I could already hear those whispers in my head: "Who does she think she is?" "Does she think she is better than us?"

So I sank myself lower, thought bad things about myself, avoided looking people in the eye or accepting compliments, because the nail that sticks out gets the hammer, and by golly that wasn't going to be me.

However, one day I was reading my favorite book *Pride and Prejudice by Jane Austen* and this quote jumped out at me: "Vanity and pride are different things, though the words are often used synonymously. A person may be proud without being vain. Pride relates more to our opinion of ourselves, vanity to what we would have others think of us.” - Mary Bennet

That was the moment that I realized that pride isn't actually a bad thing to have. I know that we have all heard the famous quote "Pride goes before the fall." But did you know that it is actually a Proverb and the full verse is "Pride goeth before destruction, and a haughty spirit before a fall." - Proverbs 16:18 ? It comes across a little differently in the second one in my opinion, and to further that, I also think it is important to note ***Nerd Alert*** that in the original Hebrew the word used for pride is gā'ôn which means arrogance. Just like it isn't wrong for someone to be proud of someone else, it also isn't wrong for us to be proud of ourselves. Arguably, if you cant be proud of yourself you wont be able to benefit when others are proud of you as well.

Pride is something that needs to be kept under good regulation, so don't go around thinking I gave you permission to be a jerk. There is a such thing as improper pride and that is what leads to arrogance and vanity. Chances are, however, that if you have struggled with the same issues as I have (see points 1, 2) then you are not likely to lean towards arrogance anyway. Regardless, we are all human so making an effort to stay humble should never be discouraged.

All of that being said, did any of that reflection actually help me kick those insecurities to the curb?

While they say that self awareness is the first step to solving a problem, I can assure you that self awareness alone wasn't a magical fix to my self worth issue. In fact, these revelations didn't even happen in one moment, they were slow and sank in over weeks and months.

I began to understand that self deprecation is not a normal thing that humans do. It is always directly tied to their childhoods and the messages that they received as a child. Even in the face of bullying as an adult, if a child has a strong foundation and was taught confidence and security they are far less likely to give heed to other people's vitriol (not to mention that confident people are far less likely to be bullied period.)

In reality, it wasn't even my own voice that I had been hearing in my head all of those years, it was the voices of the adults in my life who spoke or emulated those messages to a mere child.

I made a choice to begin viewing myself as a child again, a 6-year-old version of myself, and if I wouldn't say it to a 6-year-old then I wasn't going to say it to me. This is what re-parenting looks like by the way, if you have ever heard of such a thing. Once I started down this path a lot of my inner voice began to sound like emotional child abuse. Imagine saying to a 6-year-old: "Oh my word you are such an idiot. Do you ever learn?" "This is why no one likes you." "You have such weird looking teeth, and it's too bad your nose turned out like that." Yeah, if someone said those things to my child I would knock them into yesterday, so how was it okay to treat myself like that?

Another thing I noted was that it kinda sucks to give someone a compliment only to have them blow it off. When I compliment someone it is because I genuinely believe what I am saying is true and I want to make that person's day better. If they brush it off and deny it like it's an accusation, not only does it make me feel bad, because it reveals their own insecurities, but it also makes the situation very awkward. If that has been my experience giving compliments then it must be true in the reverse. How many people have I made uncomfortable by blowing them off in my desperation to avoid coming across as arrogant or vain? Now we are back to caring about other peoples' feelings and, gracious days, it's a never ending cycle...

The solution? Smile, accept the compliment, say thank you, and allow yourself to believe that what they have said is true about you. You can even tack a compliment of your own onto the end. Now everyone is a winner.

This is my formula: "Aww thank you! You are so sweet. And I love your *insert whatever* as well." It's super simple, you don't have to scramble for words and the other person can walk away feeling confident about the interaction and ready to do it again with someone else.

At the end of the day confidence is attractive and insecurity is not. It seems harsh but it's the reality of the situation. Hating yourself does not draw people to you, it pushes them away. The more miserable a person is the harder it is to be around them because they suck the life out of other people. I was a life sucker too. But now I have given myself permission think good things about me. I am allowed to think that I am beautiful, kind, talented, and fun to be around. I have special interests that other people do not and that's okay. Taking this burden of existence off of my shoulders has given me the freedom to just be joyful in my life, and I urge to to pursue joy as well because it encompasses more than just superficial happiness. It stems from deep seated contentment and appreciation of life.

Be wary of identifying as your struggles by saying "It's just who I am." Understand that you can change into the person you want to be if you choose to.

Good luck with it all and I hope to see you on the next one <3

~ Purple

P.S. Feel free to leave a comment and tell me your thoughts. I am always looking for way to improve.