Spiritus Mortis (A Short Story)

The death of one life brings forth another. When the roots of a tree can no longer provide, and its leaves no longer turn in the autumn or burst forth in the spring, it falls in the forest and its vessel becomes a sanctuary to hundreds of living creatures. One animal will perish so that another may thrive. It is a cruel yet poetic cycle. How could existence and creation be valued if there was never destruction or termination? Could there be love if there was not loss? I speak of these things in hopes of comforting myself. Perhaps if I look back on these words a thousand times they will serve as a balm of forgiveness, for without them I cannot make atonement for what I am…

***

I stood atop the roof of the One World Trade Center and gazed across the horizon. The frigid air swirled through the layers of my clothes and bit at my skin, almost distracting me from the view. The glittering lights of New York City had begun to fade while a faint glow in the east told me that Solis would soon awaken from his slumber. Anticipation grew within me as I sipped on a steaming hot cup of coffee. Solis has long been in the habit of painting the most beautiful pictures across the sky when he arrives, and it is a particularly fond tradition of mine to greet him as he rises with the dawn.

My fashion statement at that moment consisted of a pair of wrinkled black scrubs paired with a long chestnut braid that was barely keeping itself together, accessorized by the bags under my eyes. It had been a long night. Existing on call is one of the circles of Hell that Dante Alighieri forgot to mention in his book, but then again, how would I know? Hell doesn’t let me in...

Before me danced an array of deep oranges and fiery reds mixed with a slowly increasing amount of blue. The air began to fill with a warm sensation, low and friendly, almost like a purr.

“He gets better at that every day.”

I would always recognize that deep, gentle voice. Turning, I confirmed my suspicions. Standing behind me was a well-dressed gentleman sporting a navy blue suit vest, matching slacks, and a soft smile.

“He does,” I replied before turning back to the colorful display. I sipped some more of my coffee, and watched as tendrils of steam dissipated into the air, pretending that I wasn’t relieved to see him.

At first glance, Vita might pass for a young man, somewhere between twenty-five and thirty, with his light brown hair and immaculately trimmed beard, but there was a sort of timelessness to his green eyes that couldn’t be concealed.

“I brought you a blanket,” he said as he wrapped something warm and fluffy around my shoulders. The September wind wasn’t exactly forgiving at 1,776 feet in the air.

“Thanks,” came my exhausted whisper. A soft smile escaped without my permission. “How'd you manage to find me?” The beams of light, now streaming over the horizon, enveloped us where we stood and added more warmth to my cozy blanket.

“You may seem dark and mysterious to the world, but you've never been that way to me,” he answered, his expression light and teasing. “And yet, even if you were, you'd still be rather predictable. After all, you come here every year.”

Maybe it was the long night, or perhaps the long existence, but grief began to well up in my eyes, my shoulders slumped, and I leaned my head onto his shoulder.

“It hurts, Vita. I can’t help it. It’s been twenty years, but I still can't forgive myself for everything that happened that day.”

“I know.” He whispered gently, as he wrapped his arms around me and held me tight, resting his chin on the top of my head and allowing my tears to silently roll down and soak into his shirt. Minutes ticked by in silence as he held me. We watched as the city came to life below us, and tiny pedestrians began to cover the sidewalks while the muted symphony of car horns rose to reach our ears.

“Mors, listen to me,” he finally broke the silence and stood back so he could look into my eyes, brushing the wild strands of hair out of my face. “You can't continue to blame yourself for the things that happened that day. You did what you were instructed to do, and obeyed what was written, just as you have always done. You weren’t given a choice.”

“But they all hate me for it! Everyone’s family members, everyone in the city, the whole damn country…” The tears started again, this time streaming violently down my face. So much shame and frustration was rising from the core of my being. Not anger towards them, or Vita, anger towards myself. Why was I born to ruin everything?

“Hey.” His voice was firm and unyielding. “They hate the men who piloted those planes, the ones who forced your hand. Perhaps there is a person or two who blame you. So what? If you've done nothing wrong, then you've nothing to beg forgiveness for. That said, if you do come across some lunatic who holds you in contempt I will gladly cut off their blood line in an instant! You must only say the word."

His words made me chuckle, which was all the encouragement he needed to continue. "True fault falls on those who selfishly disregard the value of their fellow man. The only thing you can be accused of is following the laws that have been put into motion, and that is nothing to be ashamed of. I depend on your work, you depend on mine, and this entire world depends on us. Together, we maintain the balance.”

Somewhere deep within me, I wanted to believe that what he said was true. I studied his face, its strength, its pain, its kindness, and its harsh reality. I wasn’t the only one who was weathered and beaten down. Perhaps he was talking to himself as much as he was talking to me.

“Thank you Vita,” I said. I couldn't help but reach up and caress the side of his face for a moment as he looked down lovingly into my eyes. We stood together for a while, enjoying the short time that we could be together. There were many things to catch up on since our work kept us too busy to see each other much. He told me about the new designs he was working on that he was excited to see come to life, and everything he was doing to prepare for the autumn. I couldn’t believe how creative and full of energy he was. He had so much joy to offer the world, while all I could offer was heartache.

My pager went off sooner than I wanted it to. “Duty calls I guess.” I shot him a weak smile, “Thank you again for coming to my rescue.”

He leaned over and gently kissed my forehead. “Come say goodbye to Solis with me tonight.”

I looked at him apprehensively, “you know I don’t do sunsets...”

“I have a good feeling about this one. Meet me at Moher,” he said with a wink. He was gone before I could open my mouth to protest. I looked at my pager. “20-year-old cat. I guess that’s not the worst call to get first thing in the morning." I muttered to myself.

It only took a second to get to the call, but it was enough time for my scrubs to change into something else. I walked down the narrow hallway of a quaint little house, peering into bedrooms, looking for my patient. I now wore a warm cardigan. It was comfy with a patch work quilt pattern and went down past my waist. My hair rested in a messy bun on the top of my head, and I had been accessorized with a pair of big round glasses. Based upon my outfit, I guessed that my patient would be anticipating my arrival. Oftentimes, when they did not know I was coming, I was given the most unflattering robes.

I stopped for a moment and listened. The voice of a child singing a soft melody floated from a bedroom at the end of the hallway: “You are my sunshine, my only sunshine. You make me happy when skies are grey…” I peered into the room and saw a little girl, maybe 6-years-old, holding the cat I had been sent for. She stroked his head softly and continued her tune. The cat was so happy, so loved, and yet I could see in his eyes how tired he was and how his body ached. He should have called for me years ago, but instead he had chosen to stay with her for as long as he could. He turned his head towards me. It was a small gesture, but I could see how much effort it took. As he looked into my eyes he began to purr.

“Have you come to take Sunshine away?” The little girl’s big blue eyes peered up at me from where she sat on the bed. “Yes, I have dear. It is time for him to go.” I tried hard to stay composed. This assignment was harder than I thought it would be.

“Where will you take him?” There was a hint of protectiveness in her voice that gave me the impression I needed her clearance before we could depart.

“I am taking him to a different world. A place where he won’t be tired or hurting anymore.” She closed her eyes, and her eyebrows scrunched together as she tried hard to imagine such a place. “Okay, you can take him.” Her tone was a mix of determination and false bravery. Sunshine closed his eyes and nuzzled his human one last time to say thank you and goodbye. She held out her arms, and I gently lifted him into mine.

“Please take good care of him!” I looked down into her teary eyes and smiled as best I could.

“I will. I promise.”

***

I put Sunshine down in the meadow. He took a tentative step forward, waiting for the pain to which he was accustomed, to hold him back. Nothing. Another step forward confirmed his suspicions. He was a brand-new cat. He began to run and pounce through the flowers, basking in his new freedom of body. He came back, for only a moment, to say farewell. I could see the thank you in his eyes and a final question.

“Don’t worry, you will see her again. She will be coming to join you when the time is right.” That was all the confirmation he needed. He turned and bounded away ready to explore his new home.

I had only a few seconds to revel in my satisfaction before I was summoned once more. I trudged along the Golden Gate Bridge, thankful for the long black trench coat and the bright red scarf to protect me from the cold, and dreadfully wet, weather. I would have preferred the addition of a hat to accompany my ensemble but I suppose that didn’t match how the patient thought of me.

I looked about ruefully. I hated this bridge; I was here too often. The fog rolling across the bridge was reminiscent of a scene straight out of a horror movie. I half expected to see a masked murderer with a knife emerging out of the gloom before me, but a murder wasn't why I was there. I already knew who wanted to see me. The sound of traffic whizzing past was a sad reminder of how busy every other soul was with their own lives. Too busy to notice a broken person in need. It didn't take long to locate the young man I had been looking for. Around 17-years-old, he was leaning against the railing and surveying his final destination as if trying to decide if this was the right way to go. I was struck by how his eyes resembled Vita’s. They were both weathered and worn down by people’s high expectations of them. His hollow eyes were too old for those of a teenager. It was obvious that he had seen too much too soon in his short life.

“This weather is much too cold for you to be out here looking like that.” I gestured towards his short sleeve t-shirt. “Where is your coat?” I leaned up against the railing next to him. He jumped back, startled by my sudden appearance.

“Um, do I know you?” The nervousness in his tone, and the way that he wouldn't look me in the eye, told me he knew exactly who I was.

“You didn’t give me a hat.” I said blandly.

“O-oh. S-sorry…” I softened my facial expression a little. Now wasn’t the time to be in a bad mood. I gestured towards a bench situated not too far from where we stood.

“Tell me what’s on your mind kid. Why'd you want to see me?” He followed me to the bench and we sat down looking out into the grey gloom. At first he didn't say anything at all. He looked down at his shoes and his hands fidgeted with whatever he could find. Finally he broke the silence with a whisper, "I just can't do it anymore."

He glanced nervously at my face. I invited him to tell me more. At last, as if the flood gates to a dam had opened, he began to tell me of the events that brought him to this place. He told me about his mother and how proud she used to be of him until he started failing his classes. He couldn’t escape how disappointed she was with him. He told me of all his feelings of responsibility and how overwhelmed and useless he felt. He was the man of the house and he tried desperately to honor his father’s legacy and yet he could never fill such shoes as those. His younger siblings were supposed to be able to look up to him and yet he didn't feel worthy of their admiration. Perhaps they even resented him.

His words struck a chord with me. I felt his pain and despair. It was devastating to hear him say how much he believed that those around him hated him. I didn’t appreciate how familiar those words sounded. He talked for some time and I continued to listen. I let those feelings that had imprisoned him within himself flow out freely so they no longer had the power to silently kill him.

Eventually I allowed myself to intervene. “Listen to me, Liam. You're an amazing young man. This sense of responsibility that you feel, it means that you care about those that are in your life. You care deeply about the feelings of others and you care about the fate of the world. This planet needs you because it needs people that care the way you do. You’re burnt out. You've been over performing for too long, trying to fill the shoes of a man while not having the chance to become one. There is far more to life than these burdens that you feel obligated to bear. Right now the pain is all that you can feel, it consumes your every waking moment, but the strength of that pain will not last forever.” I paused for a moment and gazed intently into his eyes.

“I need you to understand something. This decision that you wish to make is permanent. Once you go down that path you can never come back. Every milestone laid out for your future will be burned to ashes, never to come to fruition.”

I looked back out into the foggy depths and contemplated the potential consequences of my next actions. "I can't grant wishes or show you the distant future, but there is something I can do for you if you are willing to trust me." I offered my hand to him and smiled softly. He hesitated for a moment before he reached out and grabbed my hand.

Time flew past us in a roar. Light and color blurred together creating a kaleidoscope of colors and shapes before our eyes. The bridge was gone from underneath us and had been replaced by the golden memories of Liam’s childhood. The day that he was born danced before us and the overjoyed faces of his parents as they welcomed their first child into the world. We saw him take his first steps and all of the faces of the friends that he made in grade school flashed in succession. Liam laughed and exclaimed at every scene. Basking in the warmth of memories long forgotten. The milestones flew by, each scene showing the people in his life who loved and had loved him dearly throughout it all. Even the memories of his late father were surrounded by the sensation of joy despite the pain that was caused by them.

Suddenly, the happy memories stopped. The golden glow of laughter and innocence vanished and the vision before us became dark and grey. Grief penetrated the atmosphere as we stood at the front of a church sanctuary before a wooden casket. A middle aged woman clad in black kneeled before the coffin, her cries reverberating through the air. “Liam! Oh Liam,” she sobbed. “My boy! My precious baby boy! Why did you leave me?” Her face was tormented and streaked with tears. I looked at my companion and saw the blood drain from his face. “Mom? Mom! what happened?” Liam began to run towards her but I reached out and caught his arm.

“She can’t see you.” He looked back at me with confusion written across his countenance. I inclined my head in the direction of the open box and invited him to take a look. He walked forward tentatively and peered down into the casket apprehension before letting out a loud gasp and stumbling backwards with a horrified expression written across his face.

“It’s me! I…I don’t understand?” He stammered.

“That box is where your aspirations are leading you, Liam,” I said gravely. “Is that the bed you wish to lie in tonight and every night hereafter?” I glanced towards his mother. “Someone out there loves you deeply. Someone in your future loves you. But more importantly you have an opportunity to learn to love yourself again and once you do that you will always have someone to live for.”

Tears began to run down his face. I put my arms around him, allowing him to cry those tears that he had desperately needed to release for so long. It was only a few hours ago that I had felt the same way as him. Useless, and unworthy. I felt a new appreciation for Vita and all that he had done for me throughout our time together. I hoped that I had helped him in the same way.

We came back to reality as quickly as we had left it and I walked with Liam until we reached the nearest bus stop on the San Francisco side of the bridge. He climbed up the steps of his new lease on life and I waved goodbye to him. “You’re a great kid but I don’t want to see you any time soon.” I faked a stern look and shot him a sideways glance. He chuckled, “I’ll try to keep you away.” The doors closed and he was gone. I would see him again one day, as I eventually encounter all things, but I hoped it wouldn’t be for many years. I turned to walk back towards the bridge. The sky was still grey and overcast, with tendrils of fog grasping at the hem of my coat, but the cold was less oppressive now and it almost seemed as if some light might break through the clouds.

A cold wind blew and my hair whipped across my face. Despite the chill my head suddenly felt warm and dry. As I reached up to tuck the hair back behind my ears, my fingers bushed a soft and woolen fabric. I snatched it off of my head and laughed with surprise as I looked down at the bright red beret, with a dainty white embroidered flower, that rested in my hand. “Well, I’ll be damned. He gave me a hat.”

***

The rest of my day was spent doing my routine work. I had nursing homes to visit, hospice, and hospitals. There were the scenes of unfortunate accidents and unforeseen medical problems to be at. The worst were victims of crimes I was required to attend to. It is hard to explain the frustration of witnessing such violence, and in many cases, never seeing justice. If it were really up to me, I would be escorting a different set of people off of those scenes.

There were people like Liam that didn’t make the same choice as him. Some people wanted to see me while others didn’t. Sometimes I was given beautiful inviting outfits and sometimes I wore things that were dark and intimidating. It all depended upon what the person thought I would be like, or who they wanted me to be. There were plenty of animals, insects, and plants to attend to. Anything imbued with Life would eventually meet Death. The shift was long, and I drank lots of coffee.

***

I finally slowed down enough to check the time. It was almost 7:30 IST and I didn’t want to be late. I walked across the green Irish grass towards the sea. I got to pick my own outfit this time, so I went with a light coral maxi dress. The sleeves were long and kept my arms warm while the skirt of the dress dragged lightly on the ground behind me. I scanned along the coast until I spotted him. He was standing next to a large blanket spread out in the grass and was looking out over the ocean. In true Vita fashion he was wearing a brown tweed suit with the vest but not the jacket. He always said that jackets made him feel old.

I blushed and my heart beat a little harder inside of my chest as I walked towards him. I don’t know how he still manages to make me do that. He must have heard me coming because he turned around with a smile on his face and a look in his eye that reminded me of a child on Christmas morning. He took my hand and kissed it gallantly.

“How are you this evening my dear?” A smile I couldn’t resist spread across my face. I felt lighter in that moment than I had in decades.

“I am very well my darling. And how are you?”

“My love joined me for a date even though she hates sunsets. Quite frankly, I don’t think I could do better.” I thought back to our encounter that morning. My disheveled, exhausted, and heartbroken self-had inspired the same look of joy in his face that I was seeing right now.

I laughed. “I hope you know that I would do so much more than endure sunsets for you.” “Then would you do me the honor of enduring this sunset over a glass of wine?” How could I say no to that face? Vita pulled something from his pocket. “I made you a gift. It is one of the designs I was telling you about this morning.” In his hand he was holding the most beautiful flower I had ever seen. It was made with white glossy petals and two delicate deep green leaves coming up from the stem. I breathed in its sweet aroma and sighed happily. “It’s incredible! Did you really make this for me?” His smile widened. “You are the inspiration for everything that I make.”

We sat on the blanket watching Solis put on his last show for the day. The purples and pinks mixed perfectly with the darkening blue sky. The clouds were a blazing mix of orange, yellow, and red, and together the vibrant colors turned the ocean into the most beautiful canvas I had ever seen. I held the flower in my hands, admiring its intricacies and feeling touched that Vita had made it for me.

“Mors, what is it that you dislike about sunsets?” His gentle voice pulled me out of my distant thoughts. I took a while to contemplate his question. I had never put much thought into before I just knew that I always avoided them.

“I think I must hate goodbyes. Every morning I greet Solis as he comes over the crest of the horizon. It marks another day of potential for all of the people in the world. But when the sun sets it means that the day is done. Those who have gone are not coming back, and what is done cannot be undone.” Vita laid his head in my lap and I ran my fingers through his hair.

“You know what I love about you?” He asked me. “Tell me.” “Your compassion and empathy. You do not rejoice in suffering or laugh when life ends. You could have chosen long ago to make a game out of death, but instead, you try to only take those who are ready to go. You talk them all through the journey ahead. Only someone with your heart should be put in charge of the dead.”

I had never considered that before. For millennia I had bemoaned my horrible existence. Why put the one being that hates goodbyes in charge of the most permanent separation? Because I, out of everyone, understand how final death is. There are no take backs, and no redoes.

I looked down at Vita, practically purring as I traced my fingers across his face. There was one other thing, I realized, that qualified me for my job: There is not a single creature between heaven, hell, and the earth that values Life more than I do, because I am in love with him. As the last fragment of light slipped behind the edge of the earth I gazed into his eyes and whispered, “Marrying you was the best decision I ever made.”

THE END